Lies I tell myself.

In general, I don't get involved. I let everyone else run around crazy-like doing their thing. When I'm attracted to someone, they're so rarely attracted to me, I usually don't bother doing anything about it and try as hard as I can to quell the feelings as soon as possible. Distractions are the key. When someone I don't like is attracted to me, I generally ignore it as much as possible. I stay out of it. This crazy bullshit is more than I'm willing to deal with and I get frustrated really easily.
Sometimes, however, I do get involved. Usually, something I've been trying to hide from myself bites me in the ass when I was wrong and the person does actually have feelings for me. And those feelings I'd been hiding from myself weren't hidden very well and I end up making a total fool of myself. “Err... so it would seem I think about you a lot more than should be normal and umm... I'm sorry for not noticing it sooner because... my emotions should be sending me emails instead of impulses I will inevitably ignore.”
This happens embarrassingly often. I must admit to a few things.
1.I am an extremely cautious person and this extends to matters of the heart. I try never to give it to people who have any chance of completely rejecting it. Meaning, I am so cautious, I usually fall for people I know already love me as a friend, so that I know that even if they reject me romantically, they won't reject me as a friend. I am therefore safe. I won't be losing anyone, not really. And friends are more important anyway, right? Romance is expendable and you can always find someone else to fill that void (I'm speaking metaphorically, but yeah).
2.Apparently, even when I try to step outside my comfort zone and take a chance with someone I am not already BFFs with, I still make the situation as safe as possible. I put a deadline on it. Something cataclysmic is happening soon to make either the whole relationship or the emotional closeness something I won't really have to deal with soon. Just in case. Hell, even with Max I got together with him knowing we were going to different schools and that I wouldn't have to be physically with him in however many months. This made it much easier to ignore future consequences. If it all ends soon, there's no having to deal with the reality of the situation. Of course, that's just a lie I tell myself at the time, but it works... sorta.
3.The fact remains that I screw up every serious relationship I'm in. I mean, not that I've been in many but both of the serious ones, based on how long I was with them, ended in stupidity brought about by me. And they both had long distance factors. I called Colin that day and he automatically knew it was breakup time. I didn't even have to say anything. Max … well, Max wouldn't listen to me when I told him I would never be the girl he wanted, so maybe that's not entirely my fault.
In any case, I hate this crap. I often just choose to opt out. Most men who like me have something inherently wrong with them (manipulative bastards disguised as nice guys) to make me really not like them. When it does happen, it's always fraught with some sort of crazy. I'm crazy, he's crazy, we're both not mature enough to handle a relationship. Whatever, it all leads me back to the same place. Driving home listening to 46&2 very loudly and enjoying every second. Mmm. I'm OK with that. I made peace with my solitude a long time ago.