I hear "Brena" and I feel reflective and alone. Walking around Clintonville by myself listening to "Orestes" and, though I was an over dramatic sixteen year old, I was in hindsight actually very satisfied walking alone to the coop. I'd buy myself a strawberry Popsicle and eat it on the way home. A meandering way that involved as many trees as I could find. Crestview and the bridge over the Glen Echo ravine. Contentment coming as "Sleeping Beauty" starts.
I'd stop periodically and write in my notebook. The composition notebook with duct tape all over it. The first of many. Just things I randomly noticed during my walk, or insights about whatever problems I was having. Though I primarily thought about how crappy my life was and how everything was falling apart and I didn't know how to handle it, the walk itself was a peaceful escape. Got me out of the house and able to think by myself. And that album, Mer De Noms, was essential to that reflective atmosphere. I think taking those walks lead to me valuing them so much now. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything if I didn't walk before and after work every day.
I know I should be writing every day after my walk home, but I don't. I had so many notebooks then. Even if it was all crap (which it mostly was), at least I felt like I was doing something. Now I read too much or I watch too much canceled television. But in the same way, it helps me be comfortable with my solitude. The old canceled television and the multitudes of books. I have the time to walk and reflect, even if I don't always write it down. And I have the space and independence to be alone my way.
“It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” - Emerson. Or a paraphrase of Emerson. One of our infamous CAHS quotes, but I still appreciate it. I still try to live by it. Hell, after reading Hamlet, I can't live by “What a piece of work is man...” anymore so now I'm stuck with this one. ;) But I still do. I still strive to keep the independence of solitude in the midst of the crowd. I don't succeed often. My solitude is a lot meaner than my crowd.
Perhaps it's best I not keep that specific aspect of solitude.
I often wonder if I am able to share any of this with anyone. Like in a relationship or something. Solitude me. The me who is comfortable being alone walking home listening to A Perfect Circle. What would happen if I did share this me? Would I automatically change and suddenly not be reflective at all and become some soul-sucked girlfriend-girl? I have before. I doubt it, since I spend so much time being terrified that I'd become that girl. That whole poem no one read about “she told me”. “And then she hopped on a Greyhound and I haven't seen her since.” I edited it to say something else, but I don't remember the current version. In any case, the me who points out that I've become a soul-sucked girlfriend-girl can't get me to listen, so she hops a bus to anywhere else and doesn't come back. Of course, this is all told from the perspective of the me who's still in that relationship. In reality she came back with a vengeance once I realized I was ready to react violently if I had to listen to his inane ramblings anymore.
But I wonder if I don't share the solitude-me, is it really sharing? Is that a true partnership? Or would not sharing her make me so deeply guarded as to make it impossible to be around me?
Of course, this is all in the hypothetical land where anyone would be willing to actually date me. People ride unicorns there.
Probably the sharing of solitude-me does change it. The act of observation changes the attributes itself. Fluoresces the molecules underneath the laser, and the spectrum is rendered useless and unreadable.
I suppose it only matters if I did magically find someone. But I can't help wondering if the window of opportunity between when I last understood how to be in a relationship and my current state of contented and admittedly cynical solitude has closed. Maybe I'm too set in my ways now. I can't remember what it was like to share a day with someone. Share thoughts about nothing in particular, and share activities that are trivial, meals that are forgettable. I remember loving it at the time.
Now I remember... I remember having another body that wasn't my own that I knew very well that thought thoughts that weren't mine and felt things I didn't know. He liked things I didn't care about and didn't care about things I liked. He slept lightly and remembered things I couldn't.
And then there are times I wonder if I fucked it up forever. If, in fucking that up, I've wronged the universe and nothing will ever make sense until I can appease it. Bloodthirsty gods.
Yes, even atheists wonder if they've wronged some horrible bloodthirsty god. Just because I don't actually believe it doesn't mean I don't entertain the possibility. Considering the fucked-up and sad nature of everything I touch, I wouldn't be surprised if Kali were demanding a sacrifice. Sad, too. I rather like goats.
You know, I've thought about that so many times, but wasn't sure how to put into words. About how much I wanted to share my "solitude" me with someone. I wanted to show someone the thoughts and feelings that were so important. For me it feels really tied to music a lot and I wondered if I could sit in the moment with someone and that music if they could somehow enter that space with me. I want to communicate beyond words and their limitations. I want to show someone a piece of my soul and share that space and time with them. I never thought about the risk of losing myself through doing that. I just wanted someone to see me as it felt like I was completely looked through and never seen by anyone, even those that dated me and claimed to care about me. I still really want someone to share the deep stuff with. Though I do miss the simple things as meals together, just talking about whatever, gaming or watching a movie together, etc. I have been so damn lonely these past few years. I've felt alone in the world my entire life because even those "close" to me were not close at all. Like there was a huge wall, a world even, between us and they didn't notice or care. And crossing that world is something that would require effort from both people, I can't do it all myself, I've tried, but if people don't care then it won't happen.
ReplyDeleteI hope it's possible to share that part of yourself with someone and think you could do it without losing yourself. But I think both people involved would need to be complete on their own first and not looking to be completed by anyone, but looking to share themselves as an experience to share together. So I've been working to feel completed in and of myself, but I will acknowledge that that is very difficult if not impossible to do while feeling alone in the world and without the support of friends. I know many wonderful people in the world but they are all far away from me. How much of me feeling not close to anyone is just due to unavoidable geographical distance and how much is due to me not knowing how to do friendship I don't know. I think people need the support and love of friends and "family" to really develop a complete and autonomous existence in the world. Once you have yourself, your self-confidence and your friends, then I think you can go into the world as a complete independent person and not have to worry so much about it wearing you down or losing yourself in romantic love, though it still takes effort I'd guess.
This is just thoughts from my own lifetime of thinking and aloneness and trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with everything. And my last 7 years of being single and trying to get myself ready for a good relationship this time and waiting for it instead of settling. I've realized close friends are the most important and so want to make those. I still really want romantic love but I want it to be from someone who knows me and loves me the way I am, so ideally someone who was a friend first.
I think you are a totally awesome person Blanche, and I have thought that for a long time. I know I'm not very close to you and so don't know everything about you, but it doesn't take that to tell you are awesome. It can seem hard to find other awesome people (particularly in this area of the world/US it seems) but they are out there. I wouldn't be surprised if there is some awesome people out there somewhere that are thinking the same kind of things and wishing they could find others that are the same.
I think I'm going to be creating a blog soon too. I'll let you know once it's up and running. :)